A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games

[Farang1]

United States Congress

Solution to the Job Shortage

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the U. S. Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPEd could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouses) or HERPES (Half-Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPEd and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High-Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they yearly give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.



Sincerely,

The committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[Farang1]

LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH SNOW

December 8, 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses print.. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad
he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff
and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I
think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity
was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing
to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
room.

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.. Might
have another shipment in March. I think they're lying Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white **** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed
again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on
his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought
I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who
drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the
street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25
Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit
him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I
think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful
Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14
hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard.. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me
for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for
trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?


For those that live or have lived in snow counrty, I thought you could appreciate this little story

[moley]

A chap has a terrible fall at work and looses both his ears the doctor tells him we have patched you up as best as we can but your ears were not brought in so we could not sew them back on you will be able to hear close up but with out ears you have no catchment as your ears act like funnels. oh dear says the man isnt there anything you can do for me. Well says the doctor we dont get much call for ears but i have had a look in the donner fridge and there are a couple.Thank god for that exclaims the man hurry up and sew them on.Well its not that straight forward says the doc you see there not a matching pair.Oh sh-t says the poor fellow what are they Well ones from a pig and the other is from a jack russel dog replies the doc but i was thinking if you grew your hair long perhaps no one will notice.Well the poor man has no options and agrees the operation goes well and the doctor tells the man to go home be patient and get used to them.Come back in a month and we will see how your doing says the doc
Well a month has passed and in comes the chap with his hair all grown long.Ah you do look well says the doc how have you been getting along .Well theres good news and bad exclaims the man the good news is that the ear from the jack russel is brilliant i can hear a man whistle from five miles away.And whats the bad news then asks the doc............... Well says the man im getting alot of crackling from the other one

Sorry for that but perhaps it might appeal to Nobi

[Pakawala]

Paddy & Mick at it again:

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

------------ --------- --------oOo- -----------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !”

[WBU ALUM]

Heard today that we can't find Al Gore to make a statement about ClimateGate and global warming because he's ... well, he's thawing out someplace.

[rick]

WBU, for once, a global warming comment even i can laugh about!

[old-timer]

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8.. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

[747man]

Must be BORED O/T, Stealing other posters JOKES !!! Whats up ?? Did "The Well Fit Bird " let you down tonight ???

[Aardvark]

Maybe you weren't meant to see it

[old-timer]

Must be BORED O/T, Stealing other posters JOKES !!! Whats up ?? Did "The Well Fit Bird " let you down tonight ???

Nope, wrong again, i stole the joke from a colleague who e mailed it to me, i had not seen it before, and secondly, "the well fit bird" was out and about with OT last night, so wrong again 747 man.
Try again.

OT........

[747man]

O/T I Think you saw THAT Joke on " The Lighter Side " from which you have since been EXPELLED for being a NAUGHTY O/T........

[Farang1]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'


Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

[Farang1]

The reason congressmen try so hard to get
re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.

[UdonExpat]

Groaners for the Educated Mind


Some of these are REAL groaners ~ en





Some thought provoking thoughts......







Puns for Educated Minds



1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was

Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra

class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still

be stationery.



6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was

cited for littering.



7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would

result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.



8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police
are looking into it.



11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One
hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it
hit me.



14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:

'Keep off the Grass.'



15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.



16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.



17. A backward poet writes inverse.



18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.



19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of
religion.



20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.