Am I a cad?

[BarnicaleBob]

I have been planning my retirement to Thailand for nearly 6 months now and will be arriving in mid January on a retirement visa (I meet the qualifications and have the required documentation so I am assuming it will be approved).
From the beginning I have been searching some of the Thai dating websites (I know most or you disapprove of those sites, skip it what’s done is done). I few months ago after several months of talking to numerous ladies, I picked one that seemed to meet my expectations and who seemed to really click well with me. We have exchanged photos, chatted extensively over the internet and for the last month and a half we have been video conferencing several hours a day. We have decided to inter into an exclusive boyfriend girlfriend relationship and all seems very good. She never has asked for money and has in fact spent some money on me mailing me copies of her documents to assist me in my application for a retirement visa. I already feel like part of her family and feel very confident in her being totally honest with me. She is a sweetheart of a lady that I will have no problem having a life long partnership with.
Here is where my question to you all comes into play. I just recently found out that I will not need to rent or buy a house when I arrive because she already has a 3 bedroom 2 bath home, with two rooms that are air-conditioned that is all paid for. She has also just informed me she already owns a car that is paid for as well. As it turns out she was married to a farang who had purchased the house and car for her and then died in an auto accident 3 years ago. I really like this lady and I feel she truly likes me.
My question is I kind of feel like a cad walking into this setup and I want to know if this is going to have any negative effect on my blending in with the farang community?

[arjay]

No you're not being a cad Bill. Though you still need to be careful.

She may be genuine, or she may be winding you in slowly. She'll no doubt be wanting something in return, even if she is genuine.

She'll be looking for some "input" from you, somewhere along the way..make sure you have an exit route/escape plan prepared just in case!!

[SanukJoe]

As you never met her in person and not lived with her you should start slowly. Tell her you don't want to rush things and slowly integrate into your new life, that is Thailand, with or without her.
Keep an "independent" way open without disturbing the on line relationship you have.
Wait for surprises to come (she didn't tell you about her marriage although there is nothing wrong with a previous marriage) and she might not have told you other things. Just wait and see, if no unpleasant surprises all seems to be ok.

All the best, enjoy your new life.
Joe

[trubrit]

I think you might be surprised by how many farang are living in the wife or her families house , especially in the villages. It is normally expected that you carry out some improvements though , so as Arjay said, be careful. You don't want to be remembered as the guy that paid for the new roof .

[virginprune]

I think you might be surprised by how many farang are living in the wife or her families house , especially in the villages. It is normally expected that you carry out some improvements though , so as Arjay said, be careful. You don't want to be remembered as the guy that paid for the new roof .

I would say that appears similar to my situation.....when I'm there...so far have only gone for the new bed, could this be the start of the slippery slope...in more ways than one

[laphanphon]

this is going to have any negative effect on my blending in with the farang community?

yes it will, i see a lot of 'envy' building towards you. why couldn't i find a chickie already set up nicely and self sufficient........you cad. good luck, sounds good, and take it slow, as you would any new relationship, enjoy, damn lucky b****d.

[docta]

BarnicaleBob,

You've been out to Sea too long, these internet gals aren't looking for love, they're looking for money, your money, any guys money, and remember you're taking on her entire family, as well.
If she hooks you, she's caught the big fish.

Make the move, take your time, and do like the rest of us, find some nice gal in a department store. Haaaaaaa

[Khun Paul]

No matter what the doom and gloom boys say, if and it is a BIG IF, this lady wants for nothing, give nothing, offer little and see what then occurs, whatever you decide ensure its loss will not affect you.

There could be an angle she is working on you do not forsee, so before the ulimate decision is made make full and frank enquires, many of us have been here for a few years we may well haveknown her dear departed chap, but unable to pass info with no ID of him.
Step carefully is the watchword and every time you say yes to anything keep fingers crossed.
Hope it will be alright, but one nevers knows, lying is an art form here.

[BarnicaleBob]

Thank you all for your feedback on this matter. Each of you have made some good points and I will be aware of these concerns as my relationship develops. In answer to the questions and concerns that some of you have made, here is a little more information:
She lives alone, her parents live over 600 kilometers away and she only visits them once a year. She only has one child who is now grown up and has been living on her own for two years. I have seen photos, many many photos of her home and it appears to be as she stated less than five years old and in good condition. She told me there are no repairs that need to be made and that I would be living with her for free if I took care of all the bills such as insurance, electric, cable, internet (which she currently has with a computer), auto expenses (gas and repairs as needed), food and clothing as needed.
My thoughts on this are that I will have no major investment, if I were renting a house I would be paying from 4,000 to 10,000 baht a month on that plus all the above. So if other hidden expenses come up, I would not really have much of a loss as long as they were the same or less than what I would be paying for rent. With all this in mind, if she turns out to be an unacceptable match for me, my retirement income is above 100,000 baht a month, I have spent a year in Thailand before, speak enough Thai to get by, and I could walk way anytime, get my own place and start looking for someone else.
However, I have a good feeling that she is being open with me, she is a woman in her 40s (although see appears younger) and I know she must be worried about her security in her old age which I’m sure she sees as getting closer every day. So I think she wants what I want, a companion to trust in and be with until the end days come.
Thanks you for your input and sound advice, it has helped a lot. My fingers are crossed in hopes that my feelings are correct.

[BobHelm]

I think your have zero to lose by going and living with this lady Bob.
As you say your expenditure is no higher than if you were here alone (& probably less as you are not paying from a room or house).
You have time to get to know the lady in a hassle free environment & see if you both 'click' - I am sure she will be doing the same to you at the same time!!
I wish you both all the best, but you have little to lose & a lot to gain by 'going for it'!!

[laphanphon]

She lives alone, her parents live over 600 kilometers away and she only visits them once a year. She only has one child who is now grown up and has been living on her own for two years

geez, i didn't thnk it could get any better..........but it does, basically, unless intrusive friends, no outside influences, which is a major part of many relationship problems................good luck, can't see a negative anywhere.

[BKKSTAN]

Bob,you like how she sounds on the net!She likes how you sound on the net!You don't even know each other!your plans should be tentative at best,depending on how you feel about each other while spending time together!Take it slow!If she is for real,there will be NO ''I love you's'' until you have been together for awhile!

If you are having feelings of ''love'' now,you are the type of person that will be easily scammed if there is a scam in the works,but worse than that you might set yourself up by having an inability to set boundaries or say no initially.

Good luck!I think a woman that has been a good wife in a relationship with another falang that died,has great potential!

It would be a lucky man indeed,if he had the opportunity to marry my wife on my demise!!

[bumper]

Well seldom there is gain in life without risk. Cad no.

[vlad]

Do we have a Fresher in the WBU seems old barnicle bill here is new bait on the hook. Specially from thai love links.
I think you guy's on the map should introduce him as a ist year enrolment student.

[rick]

Vlad, your such a cynic.
Apart from the obvious of wait and see what she asks for, Bob has every opportunity to have a taste of Thai life without any obvious 'need' to shell out for major expense. I have met a few internet friends in Udon and only one ever asked me for money (if you accept paying for meals is your responsibility, not hers). Also know a woman in a somewhat similar situation to Bobs woman (not exactly the same, but some similarity) and very honest. If i thought any of you were good enough for her, might give you her number!

Yes, women can change. Especially caucasian's in the West! Otherwise most of us would not be in Thailand anyway.

Eyes open, do not let your heart get carried away to quick, keep the tap on the checkbook down to a trickle.