How do you deal with comparisons

[arjay]

In terms of Thai/farang relationships, I find I am often subject to comments like so and so down the road has x,y or z, which might be 3 baht of gold, or multiple properties or gets given "big money" etc , or whatever, and I don't.

Generally speaking I am happy with what I have, and feel my partner should be too, (as most of it came from me!). There will always be people richer than myself and others poorer than myself. That's part of life which I have always accepted without a problem. I certainly don't spend my time thinking that "the grass is greener on the other side", as the expression goes. Why can't Thais be happy with what they have? I suspect it's part of their insecurities and quest to pressurise one for more.

I believe there is a Thai expression about being happy with what you have.

My question really is, "How do other members deal with, or fend off such comments?"

[trubrit]

Well as I nearly always come out on the plus side of most comparisons , it really doesn't bother me .

[arjay]

Well as I nearly always come out on the plus side of most comparisons , it really doesn't bother me

Except when it comes to modesty, eh?!
I might have expected that answer from you!!

Though that does bring in another related point. Why are Thais so preoccupied with displays of wealth? What's wrong with good old modesty? If I have something that others don't, it's not my nature or style to rub other peoples noses in it, or to flash things things about. I would much rather wear a slim modest piece of gold jewellery (if anything at all), as opposed to these heavyweight gold toilet chains that some people insist on displaying! To me that's just vulgar and ostentatious.

Am I right in thinking that the more Hi-So Thais aren't so ostentatious as the low class peasants aspiring to become something they perhaps are not and probably never will be?!!

[trubrit]

Actually Arjay as I believe you ***had a job *** before retirement I assumed that the topic was intended to be humorous, so I replied accordingly. However as it apparently isn't I will try to be less frivolous .
Lets forget the Thai attitude to displays of apparent wealth, it is after all , not very different from our own countrymen,something about keeping up with the Jones i believe .You know the thing about new cars , double glazing, continental holidays, even who has the deepest sun tan .I believe you ********************** were part of the very profession that actively encouraged it. How many times did I get a bank leaflet that showed me all the joyous goodies that could be mine with just my signature on the bottom of the application form ? So getting to the other points in your reply.
Before my retirement I lived a reasonable, financially comfortable, lifestyle. I worked hard , both at school and after to educate myself. That education and further hard work, enabled me to buy, within reason, most of the luxuries I wanted .
It also enabled me to accumulate a reasonable pension so that I could hopefully, maintain that life in retirement .( Well not everything works out as planned).I admit I like to wear nice clothes, drink good whiskey and yes, even wear expensive watches and jewelry. That is all for my pleasure. If you find that to be vulgar and ostentatious then that is your problem , not mine .I worked for it, not you .Perhaps my old Mother summed me up quite succinctly when I was just 16 and wanted to buy something , I really couldn't afford. She said," Your trouble son is , you have champagne tastes, but brown ale money!""She was right, so I immediately set out to rectify that.
You obviously don't realise your second post , in reply to mine. Puts you firmly up there with the Thai ladies you were complaining about .

Mod Note ****some personal information edited out*****

[Glyn]

This post took a very sharp corner very early on, lets see if I can get it back on track.

When I first met my wife, I didn't wait for her to ask for (Thai) gold, I consider it to be vulgar also, I think you missed the point TB, because expensive/nice jewellery is one thing, I'm a little partial myself, but there is nothing expensive or nice about thai gold, it's a mass machined (often hollow) piece of show-off metal, you may as well by a bar of gold and use a shoe string to tie around your neck.

So back to the wife - I sat and watched Thai soaps with her, well we know how Hi-so they all are, and I said to her, "these are playing parts of rich Thai people, yet you never see a bit of Thai gold round their necks, if you want to appear rich have a nice white gold chain and a pretty diamond on the end", I continued pointing this out when-ever famous pop/movie stars were being interviewed, "look she isn't wearing any gold" It came time for xmas and I purchased her a lovely wg chain with diamond, to this day she's never asked or showed signs of wanting TGold - see they can be educated.

Having shared my life with many young brit girls (one-at-a-time!!) before coming here, I can tell you my wife and the x's are so close by comparison, never got enough shoes/clothes or handbags, in UK they'll charge their credit cards, or buy through catalogues running up stupid debts, but in Thailand it's not so bad my wife's happy to buy 199bt tops and shoes so it doesn't get so out of hand, but you still got to draw a line, it's a woman's chemical make-up, a bit like us guys with cars, bikes, and golf clubs.

Do you know who to blame for this spend-spend mentality that so many suffer with, the expats that came in the early days and started chucking their money around, we still have them doing it now, and the mentality of so many expats is very similar, always bragging. My theory is those who really have it don't brag about it and those that don't are usually the ones that brag (ie bullshit), but there are exceptions to the rule, especially if the money was acquired the wrong way be it inheritance, lottery or drug dealing, the fact is money can buy a lot of things but it can't buy class, and there is nothing classy about bragging. You can usually tell someone that has worked hard for their money (they look after it).

[trubrit]

Glyn . I don't think anyone mentioned Thai gold specifically. That is a totally separate issue, as most Thais I know that have it, regard it , more or less , as money in the bank, something for a rainy day .Over the recent past that has been a very good investment , far exceeding the return one would get on normal savings .As for buying diamond jewelry, that is a sure fire way to lose money. You can of course invest in diamonds , as I used to, but they are not the sort you wear on your finger, in fact you never actually get to see them . You buy them on an assayed value certificate, which has a photo and details of the stone on, which is then registered in your name, with, in my case , De Beers in Amsterdam. The actual stone never leaves their vaults .My jewelry is purely for my own pleasure, and whilst it has a fairly high insurance valuation it is doubtful , after my death, if my wife could realise a tenth of that figure .Whereas she could imediately sell
her Thai gold at a considerable profit over what I paid 8 years ago .

[arjay]

Do you know who to blame for this spend-spend mentality that so many suffer with, the expats that came in the early days and started chucking their money around, we still have them doing it now, and the mentality of so many expats is very similar, always bragging. My theory is those who really have it don't brag about it and those that don't are usually the ones that brag (ie bullshit), but there are exceptions to the rule, especially if the money was acquired the wrong way be it inheritance, lottery or drug dealing, the fact is money can buy a lot of things but it can't buy class, and there is nothing classy about bragging. You can usually tell someone that has worked hard for their money (they look after it).

Good points there Glyn. I do agree with you.

I admit I like to wear nice clothes, drink good whiskey and yes, even wear expensive watches and jewelry. That is all for my pleasure. If you find that to be vulgar and ostentatious then that is your problem , not mine .I worked for it, not you .

Trubrit, my earlier comments about people being ostentatious weren't aimed at you. Apologies if you thought I was having a dig. I had or have no idea what you wear in that line or otherwise. (If the cap fitted that was unintentional! ) It is the general principal of WHY Thais are so pre-occupied or feel it so necessary to display their apparent wealth that I was getting at in my second/subsequent point. Sorry if I drew people off topic.

My main point (and serious question) however remains how one handles one's partners frequent comparisons of what other people do and have in LOS. Whilst I am NOT totally at a loss on how to handle the subject, I would welcome the views of others.

[trubrit]

Will try to keep to the point, now I know what it is .
Firstly Arjay although I replied from a personal basis my reply still stands . Why do you worry so much what other people, Thai or not, do? Surely it is their life to lead as they want. I don't see that it,in any way intrudes into your life .
Now to your main question. To me the answer lies in your use of the word frequently. I am sure all of us with Thai partners get the comparison with others thing to some degree . If it is too frequent however then something is wrong in the relationship. Either you have somehow raised unrealistic expectations in her ,or , quite possibly, she is being pressured by friends or even family to show something more concrete for her relationship with you . Either way it is talking time between you.Good luck

Mod Note *** some personal information edited out at request of Arjay***

[Prenders88]

Well as I nearly always come out on the plus side of most comparisons , it really doesn't bother me .

Yes Val, you're the only expat I know of in Udon who lives in a "luxury bungalow"

[trubrit]

Well as I nearly always come out on the plus side of most comparisons , it really doesn't bother me .

Yes Val, you're the only expat I know of in Udon who lives in a "luxury bungalow"

Guess you don't get out much then Prenders .

[jackspratt]

Well as I nearly always come out on the plus side of most comparisons , it really doesn't bother me .

Yes Val, you're the only expat I know of in Udon who lives in a "luxury bungalow"

Guess you don't get out much then Prenders .

Prenders, if you do happen to get out, just be careful of the illegal roadblocks.

[Prenders88]

Thanks Jack.

[trubrit]

Prenders, if you do happen to get out, just be careful of the illegal roadblocks.

Its actually the legal ones you have to worry about. The're the ones collecting tea money.

[old-timer]

What are you all talking about? What does that famous Thai T shirt say: No money No Honey.
If you go to the Toyota showroom to buy a motor, will you buy a decent one or something that looks crap because you are worried about people thinking you have money? Look, the answer is quite obvious - you will not buy the sh1t motor and on top of that you won't give a monkies what the neighbors think. No, actually that's not true, you will laugh at them when you see them take on a 4 or 5 year debt just to try and keep up with you. And, personally speaking, I'll buy another top of the range car, 6 months after I bought the first one just to get on their nerves.
We are all materialistic one way or another.

OT.......

[parrot]

"you will laugh at them when you see them take on a 4 or 5 year debt just to try and keep up with you. And, personally speaking, I'll buy another top of the range car, 6 months after I bought the first one just to get on their nerves.
We are all materialistic one way or another."

OT, being materialistic is one thing. Flaunting your wealth (especially in Isaan) is quite another. I'm sure the locals are impressed!