wondering if I will be single by the afternoon?

[dougness]

Hi,everyone.I'm Udon and my wife and I had a argument.I just wanted her to write down her budget for me.She is hugely offended,saying its not the Thai way.Well I think we would all agree,its the Farang way.I kept my voice soft,but she is yelling,crying and phoning her Mother saying I want to go home like a five year old.She will decide whether she will break up with me by the afternoon.I told her before I came I would not have any extra money for this trip.She is claiming that I think she is stupid,I have never said that.And that she is carrying everything in her family.Well im in heavy debt myself and the one who is doing the heavy lifting.I wish I had said no more often to her,I guess I created unrealistic expectations for her and her family.She bottles up everything and explodes, on almost every trip here.I feel like im living a nightmare.Im not a quitter,so if she decides to leave,it wasn't me.Im wondering why Thais can't be more open and honest about thier finances with thier spouse?

[Aardvark]

Do yourself a favour Mate and walk away. If Money is that important to her it's a certainty that's all she wants from you, especially if she argues with you on every trip. You may find you are number four or five on her "Benefactors List". Walk away now, there are loads of lovely hard working honest ladies out there waiting for Mr Right to come along, save yourself the agro

[SanukJoe]

Doug, you are the one of the "mysterious caller" right?
If you combine the two stories I can only agree with Aardvark: walk out of this!
You told that she spent 20K on your behalf without your permission, now she argues with you about money you don't have?
My last post on the "caller" thread was about your relationship, I saw big problems there already.
Do yourself a favour: leave this woman as she is no good and considers you as a walking ATM, so show her ATM's can walk away too

I wish you all the best!
Joe

[globalwanderer]

Sounds to me it's time to walk!... sorry run!!!

[rickfarang]

SanukJoe has something there. The last time I heard that kind of protest from a woman (It was a long distance relationship), it turned out that she was spending most of her (my) money on her boyfriend(s). It took a long time for me to believe it even though a friend of mine, and even her sister were telling me about it.

If you are reluctant to walk out on her because you love her, ask yourself whether love has blinded you to something that you should be paying attention to.

If you are reluctant to walk out on her because you have invested so much in the relationship, ask yourself whether it was a good investment.

If you are reluctant to walk because you will be single, well, send me a PM and I think I (or any number of people) can hook you up with a number of honest woman. Believe me, its difficult to stay single around here for very long.

Just a note: When my wife and I first moved to Udon, she kept a spending diary down to the last baht for the first two baht. Then, we discussed her spending and came up with a monthly "allowance". That seemed to have worked pretty well since then.

[BobHelm]

I think it is important to establish exactly what the money situation is very early in the relationship & to reaffirm the position from time to time as well. Thai's have an unrealistic expectations of a Falang's wealth. These have been fueled by television & probably Falang behaviour on holiday that they have observed. It is important to sit down & discuss money matters sensibly, realistically & honestly.
When the opportunity arrives to spend money (& it will ) it is import to stress that to purchase A means that there will not be money to buy B. B must be an equally attractive purchase proposal.

[Allen A Hale]

I wouldn't be concerned about being a "quitter". It is far worse to be "stupid". Financial incompatibitlity is one of the better reasons to end a relationship. The money that is "spent" or wasted today is not available to support YOU tomorrow. How much does she care about you for this is such a major issue for her?

Don't worry about what other people will think of you. I am confident that when you take responsibility for the direction of your life and future you will feel better.

Think of Frank, Chairman of the Board, Sinatra - "I did it my way"
Good Luck.

[timthebrit]

if she decides to leave,it wasn't me.

If SHE decides to leave?? Whoa!! The advice of the previous posters is sound Dougness. This really is a no-brainer. why don't YOU decide to leave and save yourself an awful lot of grief.

[patriot]

Your timing is perfect Doug;
Ring out the old, Ring in the new.

[patriot]

And then your new year WILL be Happy

[parrot]

I thought it was "wring out the old, ring in the new"

[LoongLee]

Well Doug,,,, sounds like it's time to finally decide who wears the pants in your family. I absolutely DO NOT want to be the instigator of a couple's breakup but there's just too much questionable information here. If there is no way you two can live together but must remain separated because of work etc, I don't see anyway you can maintain a healthy relationship. There's just too much doubt and trust issues on both sides. There is a "tipping point" of words or actions in relationships that can not be undone. You may have reached it.

If you don't have kids, the problem becomes more manageable, just walk away. The huge problem then becomes one of "do you have the intestinal fortitude to say NO when she comes to her senses (with Momas help) and wants to come back?" Some couples develop relationships of codependency and can only exist when there is constant turmoil or crisis,,,,, which are you?

A clean break and avoidance of Udon for a period may be your best solution,,,, step back, take a big breath, clear your head, and get on with your life. best regards,,,LL

[Khun Paul]

Having read all the posts,and wondered how the hell you got this far without a problem, that is none of my business, but I do concur with the majority.
Whjat someone else thinks of you does not matter one jot, as long as whatever you do is snesible, non-violent and brings some peace to your life, I agree that in this situation there are really no winners, but to walk can take as much courage as not walking, the only difference is , that by walking you know that life will become better in the long run.

Take the advice or ignore it, be yourself and hold your head up high and go with your gut feeling.
Wring out the old and welcome the New with a clear head and open heart.

[Tilokarat]

None of this is our business, and it is odd that you bring your personal problems to us. It is a very bad sign that communication between you and your spouse is so poor that you have to air your laundry on Udonmap to say the least.

However, now that you mention it, I disagree with everything that has been written with the exception of the post by Khun Helm.

Why the rush to leave her? Do not listen to the posters who tell you it is New Year and the perfect time to run from your problems.

Try to speak with your wife. Ask her about her major concerns, what is important to her and why, and to make any issue your issue too. Then you do the same with her. Follow her to her village if need be. This is your wife, your marriage, after all, why throw it all away if there is a solution in sight. Garnering support from the boys on the forum may boost your ego somewhat, but it has nothing to do with your reality, and hers too.

This is your wife. This is your marriage. What are you going to do to save it? Don't humiliate the both of you by airing your troubles on this or any other forum.

Don't answer me, and don't answer the forum. This is private stuff. Work it out with your wife, and keep what goes on between you two.

By the way, she must be wondering, if you do not have extra money for this trip, why travel, save until you have money.

Anyway, I do not vote for running away because it will be 2010 soon, I vote for trying to keep your marriage together and doing everything you can toward that goal.

By the way it is -8 in Toronto this afternoon and will go down to -13 tonight, but feel like -25 with the wind.

Happy New Year!

[Stantheman]

I completely agree with Tilo, this is your life and marriage, not the members of the forum, you need to try and work out the problems. Talk, listen and try to understand your wife and do not judge her by western standards.

As a side note, if you take that -25 wind chill in Toranto and change it to a +25C you would almost have the high for Udon